Hey, bachelors,
It's martini time with bob and david !
All right.
Okay. All right.
We have got a swinging show for you tonight.
All the cats are here.
We sure do.
Me-Ouch !
The mr. Show objects are here with us tonight as well.
( Applause )
Yeah.
You can give it up for her.
That's right.
Later, we'll have a visit from senator drinks-A-Lot
And we should have a visit by the mr. Show dancers,
The itty bitty titty committee.
Let's hear it for the i.B.T.C.
Let's hear it for them, they work hard.
( Phone ringing )
Ballbuster hot-Line, call for david.
Uh-Oh.
I think it's your wife.
David's wife has got diarrhea of the nag.
Here it goes.
( Whining sounds )
Is that your wife or is it mine?
I can't tell the difference.
Yes, dear.
( Thinking ) man, what is up with jill tonight ?
( Also thinking ) jeez, jill's acting like she doesn't want to be here.
I know.
Hello, i'm right here.
What's your problem ?
Guys, mr. Show is nothing but a boy's club.
Uh-Huh.
Boys write the show, boys get the best parts, it's all about boys.
( Whining continues )
What are you getting at ?
It's a boy's club, girls aren't included.
Jill, that's not true.
Mr. Show boy's clubs all over america
Have always included girls.
( Bob ) since 1952,
Mr. Show boy's clubs of america
Have been dedicated to shaping young people's lives.
( David ) it's a safe place where kids can play
And learn about good sportsmanship.
( Jill ) right, but you guys don't let the girls--
( David ) day trips take us into the world
For fun and companionship.
Yes, but what about the girls ?
They're just sitting by the garbage.
Our cultural workshops build well-Rounded young adults.
Oh, come on, guys, look at what you're doing.
And we encourage kids to reach out to their elders.
Happy thanksgiving !
Oh, you're idiots.
Yes, mr. Show boy's clubs
Have helped many women realize their potential.
Women like, the great kabu's assistant, the lovely felice.
Candy huff, tight-End steve williker's current girlfriend.
Morgangeline, the puckering moron,
Who kisses fans at big sporting events
And who led police on a two hour, 30 car, multi-National chase.
We go now, live to the scene.
Seven are dead, three are missing.
One man presumed innocent and missing.
It's a tragic--
It's a tragic story, one of desperation--
What are you doing ?
Excuse me, hi, chip curson, action-6 news.
Yeah, what, curson ?
What's going on here ? What are all these reporters doing ?
Would you please get your own news.
Well, i think our viewers might be interested to know
What's happened here today.
Curson, leave me alone.
Well, reporters are being very tight-Lipped.
We may never know what this was all about
But it seems important.
Back to you, blaine.
Nice try, chip.
You're watching action-6 news.
If somebody else is there, we're there too.
New developments in the hibbert kidnaping story. How about that ?
With a live report is action-6s own laser.
Laser ?
This is laser,
Live at channel-8 studios where news of importance
Is now breaking.
There has been a development
In the kidnaping of the son of local millionaire, stanton hibbert.
The boy has been returned. No word yet on what deal was struck.
Our cameras are now live at the scene
For the reunion of the boy with his parents.
Police still baffled as to the motives
And identity of the kidnapper.
That's it, guys. We can pack it up and clear out of here.
Thank you again for helping us get our boy back so safely.
You're very lucky, mr. And mrs. Hibbert,
Rarely do kidnappings end this quickly, or this cheaply.
It's strange, the guy never asked for a ransom or anything.
( Phone ringing )
Thanks again.
Hello.
( Distorted voice ) mr. Hibbert, this is xavier.
Oh, my god, it's him, it's him !
It's him ! The kidnapper ?
Yes.
Well, keep him on the line.
What do you want ?
Did you go to the berry tree in grant park
As i instructed ?
Yes.
Did you find the package i left at the drop point ?
What do you mean ?
Did you find your son's toe ?
I found my son.
He was behind the berry tree in grant park.
Hello ?
You have your son ?
Yes, he's right here with us.
Oh, hold on a second. Hold on.
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
Oh, i fucked up, oh, godamnit.
Godamnit ! Stupid shit !
Oh, you stupid motherfucking asshole !
Okay, okay, okay, it's not that bad, damage control...
Hold on a second.
You fucking idiot !
Should i hang up ?
No, we've almost traced him.
Okay, we are now entering phase two.
Phase two ?
Yes, phase two, bring the kid back to the drop point,
Leave him there, return in one hour
And you will get the toe.
We got enough ! Hang on one second.
Yeah, but...
Thank you, thank you, guys.
Okay go.
Okay.
$30,000 if you ever wanna see your son's toe again.
What ?
Okay, $20,000, that's my final offer !
$20,000 for a toe ?
Okay, i'll cut you a deal, $10,000, okay ?
Hang on one second, all right ?
Hang on.
Son ?
Hey, did the bad man cut off your toe ?
No, daddy.
Yeah, uh, he's not missing a toe.
Yeah, yeah, i heard him.
Hold on a...
There are days and there are days.
Okay, we are now entering phase three.
Yeah.
Listen closely.
$1,000 if you ever wanna see my toe again.
Oh, man, you are really nuts, you know that ?
Yeah, yeah, you think that's crazy,
I'm about to let this baby go for $20.00 !
Why don't you get back to me with a number you're happy with.
I'll give you my phone number.
Oh, the cops are here, i gotta go.
What ? What ?
You funny, man.
You a funny, funny man.
We got a killer party tape.
Come on.
$30,000 if you ever wanna see your son's toe again.
( Announcer ) do you and your college friends
Enjoy underground video and audio tapes ?
My dad's a cop, he got that for me.
But you always have to know someone to get them.
Guys, you gotta see this tape.
It's a guy who falls out of an airplane
On to two elephants who are fucking.
They're not really fucking.
And half the time, they're not what they say they are,
Or they've been dubbed so often they're practically worthless.
Now the underground tape railroad comes to the rescue.
Join up and receive one high quality tape per month.
Tapes like paris airshow disaster, 1987.
Train hits dumbass,
Dick cavett lights fart,
And angry drunk black guy gives directions.
Each month a college student will hand deliver a new infamous tape.
Guys !
When you hear the word, "guys," turn around
And greet the newest infamous tape in your collection.
I got the infamous wyckyd sceptre party tape.
No shit !
And if you say "no shit",
He'll hang out while you screen it.
Wyckyd sceptre !
Our album just went platinum !
Yeah !
Wyckyd sceptre !
( Heavy metal playing loudly )
( Cameraman ) who just went platinum !
Who just went platinum !
What's the big deal ? I can't believe this.
I think people are overreacting.
They're a heavy metal band, they party.
What are people so upset about ?
Just keep watching the tape.
Oh, fuck, baby.
Oh, fucking shit, you are so hot.
I'm one lucky camper.
You are so naked, you rip !
Dude !
( Moaning )
Wyckyd sceptre in the house !
What's up ? What's up, man ?
Have you guys seen this party tape ?
Dude from when we had that party.
And we taped it. That tape.
Of the party. Right.
Yeah, that one.
Yeah, that thing is being downloaded
On the internet left and right.
Every college kid in the country has seen it.
Well, all right.
Oh, yeah.
Okay, see, guys, you never told me you were gay
And this changes everything.
What the fuck ?
You're calling us gay ?
Because of the tape.
The party tape ?
Yeah, yeah, the gay party tape.
Dude, stop saying that. It was just a party.
Well, maybe we're talking about
Two different tapes here. Watch, watch.
Yeah !
Dude, show me your weenis.
Look at my hard dick, isn't it rad ?
I'm so fucking horny, dude !
Well, then, dude, suck that shit.
Oh, yeah !
We fuckin' rock, wyckyd sceptre !
It's a party tape.
Yeah !
All right.
Guys, i'm gonna take your tape out, okay ?
Okay.
Now i want you to do me a favor
And watch this other tape of gay men having sex.
Take a look.
Oh, man.
Oh, this shit is fucking sick, man.
That is you !
All right !
Excellent.
Guys, let me say something.
I'm gay.
Whatever.
Just listen, because i'm gay,
I use this tape to stimulate myself into having an erection.
Then, i use that erection to masturbate with.
You see, what you did on this tape here,
That's pretty much what i do with
My gay friends when we get together,
Because we're gay.
We're gay.
Faggot. Yeah, faggot !
That's you.
Alright, that is enough !
Tour's canceled, career's over.
Get out !
Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait.
I think i have an idea on how this might work.
( Crowd cheering )
Hello, fire island ! Y'all ready to party !
Yeah !
Look out !
Anybody getting the shaft out there tonight ?
( Cheering )
* gettin' the shaft again
* getting it in the end *
* gettin' the shaft again
* gettin' it, gettin' it, gettin' the shaft *
( Announcer ) menocu butt plugs are the only butt plugs
Wyckyd sceptre uses.
There's the speed demon,
The jazz singer,
King prong.
All from menocu.
But what else is menocu up to ?
Step this way and we'll see.
Today, i'd like to show you something designed for the blind
That menocu's very excited about.
The house of the future.
Well, hello, doctor.
I'd like you to meet the top scientist on this project,
Dr. Finn farnsten.
How's the house, finn ?
It's called the fabulous house of the future.
This new technology will enable our non-Sighted loved ones
To enjoy the freedoms of independence
Without the mess of blind-Caused accidents.
Let's go inside.
Now, doctor,
Can you tell me exactly what menocu did
That's gotten you so excited ?
Six years ago, menocu gave me an opportunity
To design working solutions for the blinds
And gave me an awesome title, "doctor".
So you're not really a doctor ?
I am now.
It's been great
And i installed the voice identification system in this house.
Yeah.
Let me demonstrate.
( Female voice ) voice system activated.
( Male voice ) i am a couch. I am a couch.
Whoa !
I am a lamp.
I am a chair.
So you see, blinds are like regulars now.
Wow, that sure does work.
What if you had some extra money to spend
Are there any special features you can get ?
How about the most special feature of all ?
Wow, you sold me.
What is it ?
Celebrity voice system activated.
Howdy, pilgrim, i am a chair.
John wayne.
Go out and get 'em, rocky.
I'm a lamp. Burgess meredith.
I am a television set.
Did you hear me ?
A t.V. Peter o'toole.
Oh, apparently i'm the stairs here.
Rich little as, johnny carson.
( Voices babbling )
Yes, there really is no substitute
For furniture that lets you know where you are.
Yeah.
Thank you very much, doctor.
Finn farnsten.
I am a moist pad. Sean connery.
Thanks for joining us today
And thank you, menocu.
Oh, great leader.
You are welcome. And now, goodbye to you
And your puny planet.
( Cackling )
Goodbye, goodbye, earth.
( Screaming )
Take that, meno-Jew.
But i'm only half-Jewish.
( Narrator ) it's time for another episode of
Byron d. Lebarkwith the 7th, racist in the year 3000.
With byron,
And his pal dougie.
And their magic bean that they rub on their feet.
Tonight's episode, the argos checkmate.
( Byron ) space journal of the future, page eight.
My personal mission continues.
I'm practically the last pure white man in the galaxy.
But my superior space-White ass intends to change that.
I'll tell you.
This planet's gone to shit in a space pod.
You know my family came to this moon from kennesaw mountain, georgia
To work at the gm phase shifter factory
And everything's fine until that godamn black,
Jew, lesbian, tree hugging,
Martian president billings
Went and signed that godamn bill of robot's rights.
I'll tell you what.
My forefathers did not fight the british
So that i could be put out of work
By a bunch of shifty eyed,
Lazy, yellow metal chinabots !
Hey, look at them damn plutorians.
Look at them.
All they do is sit in the corner and hover.
Just sitting there eating their government space cheese
And shuffling and making replicants
That i end up having to support.
You know, my daddy always said to me,
You can't trust the man what's made of gas.
Yeah, come on come on.
Not you, zaxon,
I ain't talking to you, you one of the good ones. All right ?
I mean, there's white people made of gas.
You know what i'm saying.
Give me another space beer, gleepglop.
Hey, byron the 7th.
Dougie, where you been, boy ?
My flying saucer busted up again.
Them damn saucers.
I'll tell you what, they is designed by germans,
Financed by jews,
Built by martians and the ickthorians of boron 7 just enjoy them.
Yeah, i know you always say that.
Byron the 7th, i have some bad news.
I can't propagate the species with you anymore.
What, what you talking about ?
I mean we got rid of all them women
So we can raise babies without all that bitching and moaning.
Yeah, but i--
Yeah, but son, listen.
We is practically the last two all-White people in the galaxy.
I mean, we got a duty.
Yes, but well-- Maybe it's the cream.
It's a puerto rican that sold it to me. I should have known.
No, no, the cream is fine.
It's me.
I found out that i'm part african-American.
What ? I'm 1/80th.
I was going through my files
At the federations hall of records
And well, my great, great, great, great, great, great--
Get out of here !
Get out of my sight !
Get away from me !
Oh, god.
I can't believe i've been making love
To a man who's part negro.
Oh, god.
Keep them coming, gleepglop.
( Narrator ) will byron d. Lebarkwith the 7th keep his race pure ?
Here's scenes from next week's episode,
Return of the mulattorus.
My experiment is near completion.
Mulattorus, the perfect combination
Of all the human races
And just a pinch of sand crab.
Go, mulattorus, kill byron.
( Cackling )
( Dougie ) he space loves me,
He space loves me not.
He space loves me,
He space loves me not,
He space loves me,
He space loves me not.
Dougie !
Byron !
Oh, dougie.
I don't care about your 1/80th,
I want your other 79 parts of you.
Oh, byron the 7th.
Dougie, look out.
Quick, dougie, use your magic bean.
After you.
( Benny hill theme plays )
( Whistle )
( Applause )